The title above is my baby Maxine Rose’s date of birth.

She was born at 1:35 AM in New York Queens Hospital. She weighed 6 pounds and 7 ounces.

The day before she was born, I was at my OB’s clinic during lunch time. I was 6 days past my due date, so she did a simple yet painful procedure called stripping the membranes. She put her gloved fingers through my cervix and used a sweeping motion to separate the amniotic membranes –  to initiate labor. I did my best to relax and not to move much despite the pain, so that it’ll be done fast.

Then my OB told me to have my lunch first and go to the hospital. So Lito, my in-laws, and I ate at a Chinese fastfood before I was admitted. I was 2 centimeters dilated when they examined me. After the usual admitting procedures, I was laying comfortably on my bed in my labor room around 3pm receiving pitocin through my IV fluid.

My OB popped in and said I can have my epidural anytime I want. I declined. My plan was not to have any anesthesia. I told her that, but added that I might have it if I cannot tolerate the pain. I was aware that pitocin makes my contractions stronger, so I know they’re gonna be more painful than the ”normal” or rather pitocin-less labor.

My room was great! I like the fact that I have my own labor room, not like the hospital where I had my internship, where all laboring mothers are huddled in one room. Plus, two visitors can stay in my room even during the big event. Ain’t that nice? But of course, I only want my husband there when I start pushing…

So around 5pm, my husband drove my in-laws home. I told him to take his time and have his dinner, because based on experience, I know the baby is not gonna come out that night.

At 7pm, I felt the contractions getting stronger and more painful… The nurse asked me if I want my epidural. I declined.

At 8pm, my water bag broke. The contractions were getting so painful! The Physician Assistant examined me. When she told me I was still 2 centimers, my will on not having anesthesia broke! LOL! I told her I want my epidural now!

And man! It felt like forever before the anesthesiologist appeared on my bedside. I was writhing in pain. They even stopped the pitocin drip because the baby’s heart rate slowed (due to the strong contractions?). I don’t know.

To have my epidural, the anesthesiologist have to inject the meds in my spine between my vertebrae. It took all my willpower to curl up and stay still while having those darn contractions! It didn’t feel that awful when the needle pricked my spine. The anesthesia burned a bit… And then it was over. I waited for the drug to take effect. The nurse asked me if my legs felt heavy. I lifted my legs and yes, it did felt heavy. After a few minutes, I can feel the contractions, but alas! No pain! Yey!

My husband came back around 9pm. I was glad he didn’t see me in pain and having the epidural. It might’ve scared him. The needle was huge! I was very relaxed when he came back, trying to sleep to save my energy for the labor. We took some videos and pictures. Watch TV, talked and snoozed a little.

Before 11pm, the Physician Assistant examined me again… and goodness! I was 10 centimeters dilated already! That fast! I wasn’t crowning yet though, but they informed my OB to come to the hospital… My OB doctor came. She told me another patients of hers just came in and was crowning already. She asked if I can wait for a while…

I fell asleep while waiting LOL! Oh, I still feel the contractions, and this time I feel like I want to poop! When she came back, I was ready to push. They instructed me how to push. The nurse and PA were encouraging and so helpful. I think it took me 15 minutes of pushing. I don’t want to look what the OB is doing, because I don’t want to get scared if I see her holding scissors for episiotomy. Later, I felt the scissors cutting me, but wow, it wasn’t painful… I am sooo loving the epidural that time. I gave another push and felt the head come outside. It was a bit painful. They asked me to give one last push for the shoulders to come out. When I did, I heard her first cry and felt so happy that she’s breathing.

My husband didn’t want to cut the cord. Scaredy cat LOL! Anways, they wrapped her and placed her under a radiant warmer. I told my husband to take pictures! Heheh… She cried a lot! She had her meconium right there and then…I asked for her apgar score. It was 9 and 9. Whew. I was so happy.

A few minutes after, they gave her to us and let us hold her for a few minutes. We took pictures again. She is so amazing. She is so beautiful. She is such a wonder for me even until now.

I still can’t believe that I’m her Mommy. I look at her now twenty-two days after that experience, sleeping peacefully and smiling. I’m hoping I won’t screw this up. Despite the training I had in the Newborn Nursery, I am so paranoid when it comes to taking care of her. It’s so different if it’s your baby. No matter how careful I am handling my baby patients, including the preterms at the hospital, when it comes to Maxine, I realized there’s still a “higher level of being careful.”

I love her baby smell. I wonder how long I can enjoy that before the smell disappears… I love her dimple (one of my wishes granted!). I love her white skin and I’m hoping that’s her true complexion. I just plain love her. And I’m dreading next week when I go back to work again and can’t be with her all day…

It’s my 38th week (and 3 days) now… Not that I’m counting hahah! I am having a girl… A little baby girl who’s gonna be so spoiled! Who’s gonna have dimples like her Daddy (I hope!)… Who’s gonna have so many clothes that she doesn’t need…

OMG, don’t let me get in a store where baby clothes are on display because I have too much clothes already! Baby clothes are so cute! Buying cute little girly outfits are so much fun for me, than buying boy clothes… I even bought little headbands, even though we all know that she’s not gonna have much hair when she comes out. Little socks… little mittens… little maong pants… Aw, and little winter jackets that are thick but still adoringly small…

I’m getting so impatient. Partly because I feel like I’m a kid waiting for my Barbie Doll. I wanna dress her up and play with her already… I am so excited!

And partly because (bitching time begins)… I’m getting tired as my belly grows bigger and harder to carry around. It’s hard to find a good sleeping position. My back aches most of the time. And I walk like a duck! Or maybe a penguin. I don’t know. But yeah, it’s waddling gait, alright. Right out of textbook. I feel scared walking this way when I’m outside and there’s snow and ice… I have to be extra careful.

Cocoa butter lotion… Sucks. It didn’t work for me. It didn’t prevent me from having stretchmarks.

I feel her when she’s having hiccups… Ain’t it amazing? My baby is having hiccups inside me… Aw. Aquarius children daw are “purpyaw”… Naku, as early as now I think she can complain na because I feel her kicking when I drink something cold. I can just imagine her saying ”Mommy! That’s cold!” (kick, kick) Got my work cut out for me… LOL!

Her position is good. Cephalic. Although we are having concerns the last time we had the ultrasound 2 weeks ago. It’s a face presentation. My proud little girl is looking up. My OB advised me to regularly walk up the stairs to make her head bend down. Oh, baby. As far as I can remember, face presentation warrants C-section, although my OB didn’t mention that. Well, we don’t want a C-section, right baby? So bend your head for me please, just a few days…

My dilemma… I still don’t have a name. Help me find a name that starts with M (and preferrably a Z in it). It’s hard.

I’m off for two days. Then Friday is my last day of work before I go to my maternity leave. A leave without pay. Although I have leave/sick credits, I can’t use them unless I’ve been employed for at least 6 months. So, I only filed for a month leave.

There was a rather rude X-ray technician, who asked me why I’m still working while I’m pregnant. Out of nowhere, my quiet preceptor defended me… “We need money! Why, are you gonna give it to her?”

I really wish I’ll be in labor soon after my maternity leave. Kung pwede this weekend na! LOL… No, seriously… So that I can take my rest and spend that one month with my baby before I go back to work as scheduled. I don’t wanna spend half my leave waiting to get in labor…

This is my last week of “vacation”… Thank goodness! I am so bored out of my wits! I’m starting work next week as a staff nurse in a nursery.

I thought I wanted to go into dialysis. I had an offer but I turned it down. Other nurses told me to go for med-surg to have a broad experience, which could add points on my future resume.

But I’m pregnant now. I’ll be on my fifth month next week. Med-surg will tire me easily. I saw the dialysis center and it seemed gloomy to me. Plus, I have to carry patients if they faint or become lightheaded or something… Prone pa naman ang mga patienteng kaka-dialysis pa lang…

If I have to carry patients, at least babies lang. Being pregnant, I won’t have difficulty doing that. Eto pa… Maglilinis man lang ako ng pupu ng kano, at least sa newborns lang… Plus, it’ll serve a sort of “training” for me, taking care of babies, since I’m gonna be a mommy soon. O di ba?

The only drawback was it’s night shift. I’m gonna work from 7:30pm to 8am. I just convince myself that it’s only three nights a week. Tita Edna (a Pinay nurse who also works there), told me it’s better than dayshift, because there are no supervisors to boss you around. Less work. And, by internal arrangement, take turns kayo ng ibang nurses para you can catch at least 2 hours of sleep.  It’s okay, 1-2 babies lang naman per nurse eh. I think I can handle four babies for 2-3 hours when my partner goes to sleep. Newborns sleep lang naman most of the time (i hope!). Ooh, and another thing. I almost forgot. Bigger pay pala pag nightshift! LOL!

I’m still not sure whether I can handle internship again, that is, if I want to continue my medical career. I do! So I’m gonna try. Once I saved up, get adjusted, and be able to come up with a good schedule between work and family, I’ll be taking review classes for the MLE…

I had my nuchal translucency ultrascreen this morning. It was a sonogram + blood test to determine what are the chances that my baby will have some chromosomal abnormalities.

I like the radiologist. He was nice… He patiently explained every procedure to us. When I go to my doctor/s here, I don’t like saying what my profession is. I still want the full details being explained to me and my hubby.

Anyways, the first thing he did was asked me whether I know what nuchal tranlucency ultrascreening means. Honestly, I had no idea before. Either I didn’t read that during my med school years, or I just sort of scanned it then forgotten it. But I did some reading the night before the procedure, so I told the doctor what I understood. It’s measuring the fluid at the back of the fetus’ neck. The more fluid there is, the greater chances the baby has in having chromosomal problems.

He then proceeded to explain more plus telling me that besides measuring the fluid, they also take the age of the mother (the older the mother, the riskier), and blood tests that measures two proteins (err, i forgot the names - i’m too tired to look it up at the internet right now).

Then it began. We saw the baby again. Magalaw! Sumisipa! He/she was sucking his/her thumb… So cute! LOL! We listened to the heartbeat… It has a good rate. We measured the fluid three times to be sure. The "danger number" was 3-5… The highest we got was 1.4 (Yey!). I’m so relieved.

We tried to look whether the baby’s a boy or a girl. But he/she was being shy. He was crossing his/her legs, and would not let us see it. We patted my tummy a little, just enough to distract him and make him move his legs… Pero ayaw nya. Aw… Mahiyain ata.

We also had the CRL… crown-rump length… It’s the measurement from head to "derriere" (that’s my doctor’s word for butt) haha. He is currently 12 weeks and 6 days old (by ultrasound)… 13 weeks and 5 days by LMP. I guess I’ll believe the ultrasound rather than my last menstrual period. I don’t have a perfect 28-day cycle, anyway. Nobody does (says the doctor)… So the Expected Date (by ultrasound)  is Feb. 7…

After that, the radiologist checked for 5 things that would most likely say that the baby has inborn problems… First was the "butterfly" shape at the skull. That’s the choroid plexus. It’s mostly associated with Trisomy 18 (Edward Syndrome) if there’s no butterfly (daw). The second thing we looked for was the nasal bone. Fetuses without nasal bone are closely associated with Down’s syndrome.  Third was whether the baby’s fingers can open and spread. Fetuses that cannot open their hands are also associated with Down’s… Fourth was whether the baby’s bladder has water, meaning his kidneys are working. Then last, we checked his feet to see any clubbing…. I didn’t know that we can clubbing can be seen as early as that. But anyways… Wala naman lahat.

So far… so good. I’m so happy with the results. I’m a bit anxious though about the blood/protein test. I’ll know the results in 2 weeks through my OB. Goodluck to us!

Okay, gotta go! Atlantic City! Yahoo!

We’re having a baby! I haven’t consulted an OB yet (the earliest appointment I was able to get last month is July 19)… But I’m pretty sure that we’re pregnant. We aren’t exactly prepared for this… I mean, I don’t even have a job yet.

Speaking of jobs…. There are two positions that I’m really hoping to get into… My first choce is in a dialysis center. I recently gave my resume to a Filipina nurse working there, and she said she’ll be recommending me for that job. The training starts in August so they’ll be interviewing people this month. I would love to start on August. Coz by then (hopefully), my morning sickness will be gone. Wish me luck on this one… My second choice is in a fertility clinic. They told me that they’re gonna call me to set up my second interview… It’s been like 3 weeks. I called them today, and I was told that they were still in the process of interviewing applicants. They haven’t decided yet. Err…

I received offers from nursing homes…. but my heart’s not really into it. They even told me that it’s like a good opportunity for me because I’m a "new grad", that I have zero experience as a nurse… Blah.

Anyways, back to my being pregnant, my "morning sickness" occurs during nighttime here (which is morning time in the Philippines)… Pinas time pa rin sinusunod ng katawan ko heheh… I didn’t puke for almost 3 days last weekend… Feeling ko, Maegan or Michelle has a good effect on me coz they were here. And then after we dropped them off at their aunt’s house in Rockland last night, I puked again when i got home… *sniff *sniff

I want a girl… Lito (of course) wants a boy. Miane and Michelle too wants a boy. Maegan doesn’t care, because she’ll love the baby whether it’s a girl or boy. The girls seem pretty much excited when they found out about it. Coolness!

My first 4th of July celebration here sucked… I didn’t get to see the fireworks because it was raining. Aw.

Hey, has anyone seen Wall E? It’s such a cute movie. Wall E is so cute… As usual, Disney animations are the best! We watched it at the Palisades Mall, which was so big. If you buy a large soda and a large popcorn, you can get a refill for free… Heheh.

Err… There’s nobody interesting in YM now. I’ve been logged on for about 2 hours. Pagod na ko. I’m turning off the laptop now. Byers!

     Okay, okay… I don’t like to brag. But I gotta say this… There’s only one way to watch Sex and the City movie… In Manhattan! ;-P

     Man, that was "fabulous!" If you know me well, you’d know that I cry at movies… And this movie was not an exception. The scene where Carrie got stood up was a tear jerker for me. I also like the Brooklyn Bridge scene (I’m planning to take my Mom there this week).

     Definitely a feel-good movie. I recommend it! But then again, for those who do not watch the series, I don’t think you’d appreciate it as much as Glen and I would (napanood mo na ba Glen?)…

     I came here to be with the man I love… Oo na, corny na. But I have a point to make…

     I am a licensed nurse. But I chose to become a doctor. I became a doctor when other doctors became nurses. I watched my friends getting BSN for their 2nd degree, so that they can work abroad. I even remembered back in high school before the US opened their gates to pinoy nurses, I was almost laughed at when I said that I’m thinking of taking up nursing… And now, everyone wants to be a nurse.

     Okay, you’re probably wondering, why did I took up nursing in the first place? I was undecided. I didn’t know what I wanted. Do I want to be a nurse? I didn’t know. So my mother told me, "Okay just take the Nursing Aptitude Test and we’ll see…" It turns out, I topped it. I took that as a sign…

     But then, I didn’t really feel like it was my calling back then. Even though I was adviced to stop med school and go to US and become rich, I didn’t. My mother brought me application letters for NCLEX, but I never filed them…

     In other words, I could’ve come to the US on my own if I want to. I can get a working visa, instead of a fiance visa. I could be here in the US, working, being single, doing what I want without a care or responsibility in the world…

     But I didn’t. I came here to settle down, to start a family, to be happy. I love being a doctor and it was one of the hardest things I have to let go. For now. By the way, I recently passed my NCLEX. It wasn’t as fullfilling as passing the medical board. So to all cynics out there who thinks I’m using Lito as my ticket here in the US… Think again.

     Lastly, to the doctors who had Nursing as their pre-med, and still chose to stay in the Philippines… kudos to you…

It’s been two weeks since I’ve changed my name to Fernandez-Morte… Nothing really changed, yet everything seems to be different. Ay, ewan.

I’ve always envisioned the idea of "newly-weds" as a couple starting out their life together. It turns out I’m starting my life with a man who’s life has been running long before I came in. Suddenly, I jumped in the middle HIS race without even knowing what the starting line looks like…

There’s just a lot of changes that I have to get used to. Sometimes I feel that it’s unfair, coz I feel like I’m the only one who has to adjust… My career as a doctor is put on hold. To get a job, I have to start out as a nurse here coz it only takes one exam, unlike the USMLE… I sacrificed a lot of friends. The trio… My weekend bestfriends… Tropa…. I miss my own room, where I have my privacy and no one bothers me for hours. I miss having my own CR, where I don’t have to worry whether there’s dried urine on the toilet seat…

And of course, there’s a LOT of people I have to get along with. So many different personalities to blend in. You know what I’m talking about…

Lucky for me, Lito guides me in every step. He made me put myself in this situation, so he better! LOL! Having "been there, and done that," he never failed to uplift me whenever I turn to him for help. No matter how childish I am sometimes, his ears are the only ones patient to hear out my tantrums.

For example, what I perceived as a sign of disrespect turned out to be a sign of comfortability because I am accepted. I am trusted. I am a friend. And if I’m lucky enough, I will be loved…

And although we don’t always share the same points of view (nakakapikon makipag-debate sa kanya, promise!)… he still listens. Patiently. When I walk out in the middle of an argument, I’m confident that he’s just there. I’m secured…

…I love being kissed when he thinks I’m asleep…

Ask me what it feels like to be married… I think that my response to this is typical. To all married ones out there, let me know if your answer’s different from mine… Coz my answer will be: Mahirap pero masaya… Is it worth it? …Yes.

…Ask me again after, let’s say, five years? Haha…

we were heading to JFK airport last night. we were late. so lito was driving kinda fast. i suddenly had a flashback of one of our trio moments. one of those fun yet risky moments…

we were intoxicated. the trio plus roland, our then designated driver. the music was blasting loud. glen and i were dancing in our seats at the back. roland began driving fast. scary fast. that glen and i suddenly remembered to put our seat belts on. and then, without a care in the world, we continued to dance. as if the seatbelts would save us if anything happens. haha. that was a riot.

it was a flashback… the streetlights zooming in and out swiftly on my right. glen at my left with his seatbelt on, eyes closed, dancing in his seat. gail at the front seat, “trying” to dance too. i wanted to laugh out that moment when i had that flashback last night. but then i felt a sadness in me. i realized that things like that may not happen again. we’re growing older and wiser. hopefully, we won’t grow apart despite this distance.

we were immature. we were stupid. we were young and restless… and yet, looking back through all the rides we had… the long rides going to the cities we’ve visited… the rides during gimiks… to the last ride going to the airport…. i know i had the time of my life… that’s irreplaceable.

so, thank you for being you…hey, i miss the trio.

okay…

okay…

okay…

That’s the only response I can give without being rude.

But I can’t help wishing that I have said my piece…

If it was THAT great, so great that YOU threw away everything else, how could it be torn apart by a mere blog? Flimsy excuse. Don’t use someone’s blog as your scape goat for something that turned bad.

Do you want me to have a guilt trip? Is that the reason why you want me to know? Coz truth of the matter is I really don’t.

I’m the type of person who most of the time, wants to have the last say… And unfortunately, this is one of those times. If someone gets hurt, it’s okay. I have accepted the fact that sooner or later, people will get hurt by my actions. That I cannot avoid it. That eventually and unintentionally, it will happen. I cannot please everyone. Syempre, ayoko lang if friend ko ang mahe-hurt. In this case, you are not my friend. Not anymore. And you know why.

Lastly, I love the freedom I have in my blogs, and I’ll continue to practice that freedom in expressing my feelings. This is one of my coping mechanisms, or whatever you call it. It’s flattering to know that my blogs — my random thoughts, my feelings — are being accounted for. Kala ko sulat lang ako ng sulat for nothing. Though it’s not the kind of effect I was expecting, it’s still nice to know it’s been read. Thank you!!!